GOT ME/LOST ME – August 19, 2011

Sorry that this entry of GOT ME/LOST ME is profusely tardy, folks. You’ll see why I wasn’t very enthusiastic this time in a little bit. But before I start, I would like to remind everyone that MCT Live – Part III: Shane is still a desire of mine to accomplish before the month ends. It will take place on Twitter either on a Thursday or a Friday, either next week or the week after. Visit this site regularly and look under “Meier! in a Crowded Theater” to stay updated.

Now on to what I predict will be a despicable weekend of new releases with a fresh, new, oddly sea-smelling GM/LM


Conan the Barbarian

starring Jason Momoa, Rachel Nichols, Rose McGowan, and Ron Perlman. Directed by Marcus Nispel. Rated R.

I’m sorry – I have nothing insightful to say about this unnecessary remake. I can’t take it seriously as one of those “truer to the book” movies when it’s getting hella promoted during UFC pay-per-view events, stars some tool who could be a glorified jobber in the WWE, and shows very cheap-looking CGI monsters that slither in the dark to hide how hastily created they are (more dark-lit 3D – oh joy, can’t wait…). Seriously, it looks like the only thing missing is Zeus shouting for the release of the Kraken. Or maybe it’s missing an evil James Earl Jones and his lower face jutting out in the moment before becoming a snake. Or maybe it’s just plain missing a lead performance from someone with the same undeniable charisma Schwarzenegger had – even with a limited knowledge of English. Or maybe – just maybe – like I said at the beginning of this paragraph, IT’S A COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY REMAKE! It looks to be a profoundly humorless, beef-headed piece of street garbage with ridiculous costumes. How anyone could be excited for this is beyond me.



Fright Night

starring Anton Yelchin, Colin Farrell, Toni Collette, and Christopher Mintz-Plasse. Directed by Craig Gillespie. Rated R.

I have not seen the original Fright Night from the ’80s, but I did recently watch its trailer. It’s gloriously lame – the kind of spot that would have fit right in between a certain double feature showing of Planet Terror and Death Proof. While the original was aspiring for Hitchcock’s Rear Window with ghoulish American Werewolf in London effects, this remake looks to be going for Disturbia with pretty “The Vampire Diaries” wardrobe. It saddens me to see Farrell retreat back to the heartbreaker look after work like In Bruges and Horrible Bosses. I can only hope the bloodsucker twist also plays a part in lampooning what the bright actor used to think he had to do to get cast.



One Day

starring Anne Hathaway, Jim Sturgess, Patricia Clarkson, and Tom Mison. Directed by Lone Scherfig. Rated PG-13.

This romance that starts at the University of Edinburgh is based on (what my wife Roo tells me is) a very good novel. Any fellow Oscar aficionados out there will also tell you that Scherfig is the woman responsible for directing the Best Picture-nominated An Education (which also contained an American actor speaking an English dialect with Peter Sarsgaard). Unfortunately, this seems to be where the impressiveness ends. The commoner-to-elegance coating that appears to shape Hathaway’s character’s story has already been done by Hathaway with the underrated The Princess Diaries. How frustrating is that when an actor with obviously massive potential starts to play the same roles over and over? The most irksome aspect of it is the doubt it brings about that potential… An Education was a good film, but it was unquestionably among the few and the lucky to take advantage of the short-lived ten-nominee race. There’s no way Scherfig’s newest is getting off that easy.



Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D

starring Jessica Alba, Jeremy Piven, Joel McHale, and Rowan Blanchard. Directed by Robert Rodriguez. Rated PG.

From what I’ve gathered, that “4D” part means you’ll be using your nose for the movie as well with the added aromas that – just guessing how it works here – the theater’s ushers (probably at their usual pay) will bring in at certain points in the movie. Of course, that’s also provided that you’re not at one of those big city theaters that offer actual meals at the concession stand and that some stranger sitting next to you isn’t ruining everything with his bucket of deep-fried chicken and his greasy slice of pepperoni and olive pizza. I mean, crimanitely! How’s a guy supposed know what kids who are also spies smell like with all that going on?

I haven’t seen one of these kiddie flicks from Robert “Shark Lava” Rodriguez (I rarely like his films for adults). I’d like to keep it that way.



The Last Circus

starring Carlos Areces, Antonio de la Torre, Carolina Bang, and Manuel Tallafé. Directed by Álex de la Iglesia. Rated R.

Magnet Productions is really keeping the tire ball rolling with their incredibly intriguing selection of off-the-wall horror this year. All this year, they’ve given unsuspecting audiences Rubber (about a murderous tire), Hobo With a Shotgun (about… well, you know…), TrollHunter (about a fleet of enormous killer ogres), The Perfect Host (about an insane Niles from “Frasier“), and now this Spanish film from de la Iglesia (The Oxford Murders). I probably should have started this already too long paragraph with this grabber, but… CLOWNS WITH UZIS! I’m hoping it’s exactly what the trailer implies it is: Cirque du Soleil gone horribly, horribly wrong.



Return next Monday or Tuesday (I always shoot for Monday) for the GM/LM for August 26th, 2011 which will include Our Idiot Brother with Paul Rudd and Colombiana with Zoe Saldana. If you regularly visit Twitter, feel free to follow @MEIER_in_a_CT and @gttmovies for more instant and unadulterated reactions to movies.

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